Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Please Quit Being Drunk While I'm Trying to Write

Dear Teenage Neighbors,

I am not particularly opposed to drinking, sex or smoking pot. It may have been hinted (although not within my mother's hearing) that I, too, have on occasion engaged in sex and ingestion of a variety of non-parentally-approved substances, sometimes during particularly good nights in college, both in the same evening.

Not being your parents, I can sympathize with your proclivity to engage in said drinking, sex and pot-smoking. Having had parents, I can understand your reluctance to engage in such activities outside of the immediate observation of your own parents.

So, let me be very clear on this. I'm not against you drinking, smoking pot and having sex with your boyfriends and girlfriends. I get that. But if you do it one more night at 1 a.m. outside of my office window while I am sitting in here trying to write, I will come outside and set your drunk, stoned, horny ass on fire.


Julia Group


  1. Couldn't you throw ice-water? Setting them on fire seems a little over the top.

  2. Well, fine, if you want to be all civilized about it. Or, I could throw the cat. The cat annoys me when I'm trying to write, too. I could settle them all at once. And then write about it. What do you think?